5 Ways to Entertain Yourself at Work

April 24, 2009

Have you ever been bored at work? No… you haven’t? Really?  Well then…um some of us… screw it, you ruined my introduction. Here are 5 ways to entertain yourself at work.

#5 Make up stories

 A good way to stay sane during a typical work day is to, let’s face it, go a little nuts.  One method that I truly enjoy is to look into my co-workers cubicle and make up stories about some object they have  in their cubicle.  For instance, one of my co-workers has a family picture where they are all walking on the beach in Florida. Nothing special about that

beach

…except the memories of course

However, if you add a little creativity to the picture you might pick up that they were stranded on an island after their cruise ship sank and all they could find was a camera to take a picture of the family in order to remember everyone just in case one of them had to be eaten so the others could survive.

boat-haha

“We all really miss Jimmy”

But say you don’t work in an office, how else could this apply to your job?  If you’re a cashier just look at all the shit people are buying and put the clues together.  You can pick up plenty of interesting tidbits about a person’s life this way.  Balloons and twisty ties equals drug mule.  KY jelly and cucumbers equals weirdo.  Disney movies and condoms equal Michael Jackson.  It’s that simple. Just choose something random about a person, ask why, throw out the obvious answer, and let your imagination go nuts.    

#4 Imagine Cute Meets  

 In the biz a “cute meet” is an encounter, preferably adorable, that happens between two main characters that brings them together in love, lust, and/or hilarity.  Like when two strangers grab the same tub of ice cream after each being dumped by the loves of their life.  Or say, you’re walking through the city and the contents of your purse spill out on the sidewalk and some handsome gentlemen helps you pick them up only to realize he’s picking up condoms (a la Mr. Big).  You feel awkward at first, but then he gives you that Mr. Big smile and you know everything’s going to be okay.  

chrisnoth1 

“Are those condoms? Awesome!”

The same could apply to your work.  Maybe while walking by the cute office girl you drop the stack of papers you were carrying and hope she helps you.  And when she does help you, you have a funny story because you work in human resources and the stack of paper was a list of all the people about to the get fired and her name was on the top!  Now would be a good time to ask her out because I mean hey, at least YOU have a job.

Another cute meet could be rolling an orange over to the cute office girls cubicle and then following it in.  She might attempt to make the random occurrence of a rolling orange into her cubicle less awkward by saying something along the line as “Well you know, nothing rhymes with orange” to which you’ll respond, while gently taking the orange from her hand,  “Orange rhymes with door hinge – anything’s possible.”  Hell she might rip of her clothes and say “Take me” right there.  I know I would

 #3 Pretend You Work Somewhere Else

So you’re bored of doing your job?  Well my friend, while at your job why not pretend you work somewhere else.  You can be a waiter, a McDonald’s server, a doctor, a sea-captain, bull rider, Hercules or whatever you want.  Just remember to stay in character and never break character until the day is over.  If you’re going to be Hercules compare all your work with that of your twelve labors.  Say things throughout the day like, “This project is harder to end than a nine headed hydra!” or “It’s pretty cold outside, I wish I brought my Nemean Lion jacket.”  Sure maybe people will stop talking to you for a while, but hey you’re Hercules you can do whatever you want.

 jld_sl05b3

 Kevin Mother Fucking Sorbo

 

#2 Think of Ways to Zombie Proof the Office 

 Everyone has thought of what they would do if a zombie attack actually happened.  However, how many people have thought about what they would do if a zombie attack happened while they were at work?  To make this scenario more interesting let’s say zombies already surround your work place and you can’t escape.  How would you survive? 

 I work in an office building so I would fortify the windows/stairs/doors with the walls from the hundreds of cubicles available.  Using the cubicles, my co-workers and I could also make internal secondary defenses and living quarters.  The best weapon I’ve found so far besides my Cisco IP phone (it smashes real nice) is my letter opener.  The only way though I could really score a kill with my letter opener is through the eye which takes precision and is very dangerous close range.  Also, my work has a kitchen so I might be okay for some time (I know there are knives there but I’m thinking more readily available in my position), but let’s face it if a zombie attack happens and I’m at work I’m totally screwed.

 Think about where you work.  If you think you would be totally screwed if there was a zombie uprising then maybe you should make a Zombie Safety Plan for your work place.  Once you make your plan, give it to your boss.  Maybe you’ll get a raise for finally showing some initiative. 

zombiewalk2

 “…you’re fired”

And, also while you’re at it email it to me at mockincoi@gmail.com and I’ll post them while possible mocking you. 

 

#1 Actually doing your work. Lame.

 

 

 

 

 

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5 Internet Dating Sites and How They try to Get You Laid

April 8, 2009

With all the Internet dating sites out there it’s hard to choose a site that will fulfill your needs. When choosing a site you have to look deep inside yourself and ask yourself, “Am I looking for a lasting relationship, friendship, or just something more?” And maybe, just maybe, you’re not a woman and will skip asking yourself those questions and get down to the core of what’s really missing in your life – getting laid . For all you deep thinkers here’s a list of Internet dating sites and how they can help you in that department.

#5 eharmony.com

How they try to get you laid

By making you fill out a super long personality test that matches you on count em’ people – 29 mother fuckin’ dimensions of compatibility. I bet a frequent nightmare that haunts eharmony’s marketing team is the fear that some day some maverick will figure out how to match somebody on 30 dimensions of compatibility.

4 puppies
The 30
th dimension – puppies

So after filling out the personality test which you know is completely accurate because you know the difference between 5 and 6 on the somewhat important to the very important scale… you will be given a list of possible matches. However, you will not be able to see your match’s picture until you actually shovel out the cash to eharmony. But then again, you can read your matches profile and see what they are “most passionate about” and the “one thing that only (you matches) best friend knows”.

forest
“My best friend knows where I hide the bodies…”

Well that’s great, but what happens after you pay eharmony and see what the hell your matches look like? For the most part you basically ask each other questions back and forth for a month **yawn** until one of you breaks and says this sucks, and eventually closes the match because eharmony’s fucking boring.

 

What are the chances you’ll actually get laid?

Since eharmony is probably the most classy dating site out there we’re rating the chances you’ll get laid as 4/10. The site blows, but if you can stick it out long enough, there’s a chance you’ll become a less attractive version of the couple in that link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNxOV9cmIZo&feature=related

 

#4 Match.com

How they try to get you laid

With a plethora of search criteria.

That’s right my friends, Match.com takes what’s great about dating sites and makes them incredibly vain. With Match.com, screw taking a personality test to see if your potential lover’s personality matches yours (fuck you eharmony). Just go through the search criteria and order what you want. It’s like a drive through except better because you can fuck what you order! Not that you couldn’t do that anyway…

mmm1
Sexy can I?

When searching for your flavor of man or woman you can search for any type of person you want by different criteria. However, searching by these criteria can seriously diminish the chance you’ll find that given person. You can customize your lover from everything from height and body type to astrological sign and income. “Holy shit!,” you’ll say “I’m going to find myself a full figured 5’ 1’’ – 6’0’’ blonde with green eyes, who’s best feature is her calves, who doesn’t smoke, makes over $150,000+ a year and is a Leo to my Aries.” Yeah right like that would actually work. But guess what bitches?! This person does exist as long as you specify the ages between 21 and 50. And guess what else? I found not 1, but 2 goddamn matches.

calves1
These calves rock my world

What are the chances you’ll actually get laid?

With thousands of possible search criterias and the fact that you might be very excited to find someone you thought couldn’t possibly exist, we’re rating match.com as 6/10. As long as you come up with a sweet username like “StudMcStuderson” you’ll be fine.

 

#3 OkCupid.com

How they try to get you laid

By making you answer questions and giving you tests. Sound familiar? The answers yes… god. However unlike eharmony, the website caters to the young and hip and is also 100% free. So the questions and tests are more along the lines of “If looking for a match on OkCupid, would you consider connecting with someone whose relationship status is ‘seeing someone’ or ‘married’?” and “The Nerd? Geek? Or Dork? Test”.

So if you don’t mind answering questions intended to break up relationships and if you were one of the people who were counting down the seconds to when Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen turned 18 then this site is for you.

mary-kate-and-ashley-olsen
“Don’t give me that look Ashley.”

Another great thing about OkCupid is the type of people you’ll meet. Since most of the people are between the ages of 18 and 30 you get a wide variety of crazy on this site. And by crazy I mean CRAZY HOT!!! Check out this one user’s self-summary.

info

 

She hates you and envies the dead!!! So cliché but so hot! If only I still had my job at the pet-cemetery I might have a shot at her.

What are the chances you’ll actually get laid?

With the age group ranging from 18-30 on this site and the fact that it’s free your chances of getting laid have gone up just by pure numbers. Also when answering these test/questions your matches are based on a friend to enemy ratio, so you know that helps if you’re Batman and wondering whether you should go out with Catwoman. With all the hormones flying around and the staggering amount of crazy we’re going to give OkCupid.com a 7/10.

 

#2 adultfriendfinder.com

How they try to get you laid

Are you an adult!? Do you like friends!? Well if so we got a site for you! What you say – you’re just looking for a golf buddy for Sunday? Well sir, I have just the friend *wink* who loves the 9 iron *wink* and doesn’t care which hole *nudge*you want to play. What the fuck am I talking about?! Haha, sir just sign up and you can “meet real sex partners tonight!” Too good to be true?

In one sense, yes. And in another sense, no. You still have to pay to actually view and contact members, but it seems that these people are actually DTF. Meeting people for anything from 1-on-1 sex to group sex is made easy with AFF. Sure it may closely resemble prostitution but with 32 million members telling us it’s not, who are we to judge?

6a00d83452b07969e200e54f88217b8834-800wi
“I’m not pimping but I am the baddest-motherfucka-in-the-world.”

What are the chances you’ll actually get laid?

Really good. Whether these people lost their moral compasses down the line or just decided to be really honest with themselves – they are down for a good time, where a good time is copious amounts of sex. Just remember the sites called adultfriendfinder.com and not adultrelationshipfinder.com for a reason. Don’t expect anything that will satisfy anything other than the physical. The chance you’ll actually get laid after you the pay the pimp which is adultfriendfinder.com 9/10.

#1 Craigslist.com

How they try to get you laid

If you’re wondering what Craigslist.com is doing on this list you must not have the internet. Sure, maybe Craigslist isn’t trying to get you laid, but they sure as hell aren’t stopping you either. With their erotic services page at your disposal Craigslist sells more than just used sofas. And since most of these people post their numbers or email addresses on the services page it’s basically free to contact them. It even has the added bonus of offering ways for transsexuals to hook up too, which all the others sites totally lack.

tran
“We got Trannys!! Suck it(?) adult friend finder!”

 

What are the chances you’ll actually get laid?

If you got the time, cash, and balls to contact one of these lovely moguls of promiscuity you will almost certainly get laid… or get thrown in jail, ya know dealer’s choice. So whether you are looking for the company of men, women, or tranny Craigslist is your ultimate source for fucking and since it is free to contact said ho, we’re giving Craigslist.com a rating of 10/10. Happy boning!