5 Internet Dating Sites and How They try to Get You Laid

With all the Internet dating sites out there it’s hard to choose a site that will fulfill your needs. When choosing a site you have to look deep inside yourself and ask yourself, “Am I looking for a lasting relationship, friendship, or just something more?” And maybe, just maybe, you’re not a woman and will skip asking yourself those questions and get down to the core of what’s really missing in your life – getting laid . For all you deep thinkers here’s a list of Internet dating sites and how they can help you in that department.

#5 eharmony.com

How they try to get you laid

By making you fill out a super long personality test that matches you on count em’ people – 29 mother fuckin’ dimensions of compatibility. I bet a frequent nightmare that haunts eharmony’s marketing team is the fear that some day some maverick will figure out how to match somebody on 30 dimensions of compatibility.

4 puppies
The 30
th dimension – puppies

So after filling out the personality test which you know is completely accurate because you know the difference between 5 and 6 on the somewhat important to the very important scale… you will be given a list of possible matches. However, you will not be able to see your match’s picture until you actually shovel out the cash to eharmony. But then again, you can read your matches profile and see what they are “most passionate about” and the “one thing that only (you matches) best friend knows”.

“My best friend knows where I hide the bodies…”

Well that’s great, but what happens after you pay eharmony and see what the hell your matches look like? For the most part you basically ask each other questions back and forth for a month **yawn** until one of you breaks and says this sucks, and eventually closes the match because eharmony’s fucking boring.


What are the chances you’ll actually get laid?

Since eharmony is probably the most classy dating site out there we’re rating the chances you’ll get laid as 4/10. The site blows, but if you can stick it out long enough, there’s a chance you’ll become a less attractive version of the couple in that link.



#4 Match.com

How they try to get you laid

With a plethora of search criteria.

That’s right my friends, Match.com takes what’s great about dating sites and makes them incredibly vain. With Match.com, screw taking a personality test to see if your potential lover’s personality matches yours (fuck you eharmony). Just go through the search criteria and order what you want. It’s like a drive through except better because you can fuck what you order! Not that you couldn’t do that anyway…

Sexy can I?

When searching for your flavor of man or woman you can search for any type of person you want by different criteria. However, searching by these criteria can seriously diminish the chance you’ll find that given person. You can customize your lover from everything from height and body type to astrological sign and income. “Holy shit!,” you’ll say “I’m going to find myself a full figured 5’ 1’’ – 6’0’’ blonde with green eyes, who’s best feature is her calves, who doesn’t smoke, makes over $150,000+ a year and is a Leo to my Aries.” Yeah right like that would actually work. But guess what bitches?! This person does exist as long as you specify the ages between 21 and 50. And guess what else? I found not 1, but 2 goddamn matches.

These calves rock my world

What are the chances you’ll actually get laid?

With thousands of possible search criterias and the fact that you might be very excited to find someone you thought couldn’t possibly exist, we’re rating match.com as 6/10. As long as you come up with a sweet username like “StudMcStuderson” you’ll be fine.


#3 OkCupid.com

How they try to get you laid

By making you answer questions and giving you tests. Sound familiar? The answers yes… god. However unlike eharmony, the website caters to the young and hip and is also 100% free. So the questions and tests are more along the lines of “If looking for a match on OkCupid, would you consider connecting with someone whose relationship status is ‘seeing someone’ or ‘married’?” and “The Nerd? Geek? Or Dork? Test”.

So if you don’t mind answering questions intended to break up relationships and if you were one of the people who were counting down the seconds to when Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen turned 18 then this site is for you.

“Don’t give me that look Ashley.”

Another great thing about OkCupid is the type of people you’ll meet. Since most of the people are between the ages of 18 and 30 you get a wide variety of crazy on this site. And by crazy I mean CRAZY HOT!!! Check out this one user’s self-summary.



She hates you and envies the dead!!! So cliché but so hot! If only I still had my job at the pet-cemetery I might have a shot at her.

What are the chances you’ll actually get laid?

With the age group ranging from 18-30 on this site and the fact that it’s free your chances of getting laid have gone up just by pure numbers. Also when answering these test/questions your matches are based on a friend to enemy ratio, so you know that helps if you’re Batman and wondering whether you should go out with Catwoman. With all the hormones flying around and the staggering amount of crazy we’re going to give OkCupid.com a 7/10.


#2 adultfriendfinder.com

How they try to get you laid

Are you an adult!? Do you like friends!? Well if so we got a site for you! What you say – you’re just looking for a golf buddy for Sunday? Well sir, I have just the friend *wink* who loves the 9 iron *wink* and doesn’t care which hole *nudge*you want to play. What the fuck am I talking about?! Haha, sir just sign up and you can “meet real sex partners tonight!” Too good to be true?

In one sense, yes. And in another sense, no. You still have to pay to actually view and contact members, but it seems that these people are actually DTF. Meeting people for anything from 1-on-1 sex to group sex is made easy with AFF. Sure it may closely resemble prostitution but with 32 million members telling us it’s not, who are we to judge?

“I’m not pimping but I am the baddest-motherfucka-in-the-world.”

What are the chances you’ll actually get laid?

Really good. Whether these people lost their moral compasses down the line or just decided to be really honest with themselves – they are down for a good time, where a good time is copious amounts of sex. Just remember the sites called adultfriendfinder.com and not adultrelationshipfinder.com for a reason. Don’t expect anything that will satisfy anything other than the physical. The chance you’ll actually get laid after you the pay the pimp which is adultfriendfinder.com 9/10.

#1 Craigslist.com

How they try to get you laid

If you’re wondering what Craigslist.com is doing on this list you must not have the internet. Sure, maybe Craigslist isn’t trying to get you laid, but they sure as hell aren’t stopping you either. With their erotic services page at your disposal Craigslist sells more than just used sofas. And since most of these people post their numbers or email addresses on the services page it’s basically free to contact them. It even has the added bonus of offering ways for transsexuals to hook up too, which all the others sites totally lack.

“We got Trannys!! Suck it(?) adult friend finder!”


What are the chances you’ll actually get laid?

If you got the time, cash, and balls to contact one of these lovely moguls of promiscuity you will almost certainly get laid… or get thrown in jail, ya know dealer’s choice. So whether you are looking for the company of men, women, or tranny Craigslist is your ultimate source for fucking and since it is free to contact said ho, we’re giving Craigslist.com a rating of 10/10. Happy boning!


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2 Responses to “5 Internet Dating Sites and How They try to Get You Laid”

  1. steamylife Says:

    I was skeptical at first but after reading your post I have to admit I really liked it and got some good laughs out of your post even though you were being serious. lol Thanks for putting in the time. Good Write.

  2. Dio Mat Says:

    Many dating sites dont care about dating,friendship, romance etc… They only care about making money from PPC programs by generating traffic to their web pages. http://www.diomatch.com

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